Microsoft Windows Automatic Update Part 2: Let's Restart This Fucker

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, this appears on my fantabulous Windows XP screen:

Please, kind reader, take note that the "Restart Later" button is grayed out.  Oh ingenious Microsoft, how ever did you devise this wonderful plan?  I have 2 choices:

1) Restart Now.

2) Restart in 8 minutes and 45 seconds.

Never mind the fact that I spent 10 minutes opening all the documents I am working on.  Don't worry that I am in the middle of a presentation to a client.  Pay no attention to the will of the silly user.  If we need to restart, no better time than now.  Or in 8 minutes and 45 seconds from now.

It's like a ticking time bomb right there on my screen.  Will I get everything saved before you force restart?  Can I get through this presentation before my screen goes dark?  Will my client mind waiting for me to start a new WebEx and conference call while you freshen up?  It's almost too much excitement to handle!

Oh, Microsoft, how I love thee.  Each and every day I am surprised and amazed by your many, many demonic and wholly unnatural ways.

Microsoft Windows Automatic Update

So I'm working along, doing some light text editing, perhaps a bit of e-mailing, surfing the web.  All of a sudden, up pops the following.

Hmm, ok.  Thanks Windows for automatically updating my computer to get rid of whatever security hole/bug/retarded design/nonsensically confusing functionality that you previously had.  It's unfortunate that you are going to force me to restart instead of just installing this update and leaving me alone, but whatever, I've pretty much come to expect that at this point.

Anyway, like I said, I'm doing some light text editing, so, thank you for asking, but I'll Restart Later.

Sent a couple e-mails, read some news, saved a spr--

Now I'm pretty freakin' sure I told you that I want to Restart Later.  But maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I clicked the non-existent Ask Me Again In Five Minutes button.  Ok, this time I will be super careful to press the Restart Later button.

Aaah, back to work.  Download a song from iTunes.  Read some more news because I'm a news whore.  Oh, I should pay my cable bill.  Aaah, Comcast, how I loathe your absurd prices and--

What?  Are you kidding me?  Are you retarded?  I fucking told you I will restart this mother fucker later.  Go the fuck away and don't come back.  Not now, not in 10 minutes, not in 2 hours.  Just don't ever, ever come back, ever, ever again.

So I'll try to enter the mind of the product manager who came up with this ingenious design:

1) After Windows Automatic Update runs, prompt user to Restart Now or Restart Later.

2) If Restart Now, restart.  If Restart Later, close dialog box.

3) Wait five minutes.  Then prompt user to Restart Now or Restart Later.

4) Go to 2.

Hey, what a simple feature!  People are always saying how Windows is so complicated and hard to use; this is so straight forward!  This program only has 2 more lines than Hello World!!!

Thank you, Microsoft, for encapsulating your utter retardedness in such a simple and straightforward feature.  Thank you for showing no regard for ease of use, obeying your users' wishes, and for having absolutely no common sense whatsoever.  And finally, thank you for giving me this perfect little gem to post to Jesus Why.  It's a real charmer.

Yahoo! Maps Beta

So this must be the thinking at Yahoo! Maps:

"Clearly Google made us look like idiots by coming up with this awesome UI for their mapping engine. It's clean, simple, nicely animated, and even lets you see satellite and hybrid views. Let's see if we can make something that is vaguely similar, but a lot shittier."

Welcome to Yahoo! Maps Beta. It's slow, the interface is confusing, the graphics aren't particularly nice, and you feel as though you never quite know what's going on. From the fact that you have to wait while it initially loads, to the insane cursor when I mouse over the address field, this site is sure to complement Yahoo!'s existing reputation as the site that was almost as good as Google, but sucked instead.

Google Spreadsheets

Cause what the world really needs is a slow, underpowered spreadsheet that you access online. The only reason this application has received any attention at all is because it's Google and apparently Google can do no wrong and is slowly, but surely, going to take over the world from Microsoft. Well, not if this is their best effort.

As far as I can tell, you can't even draw a border around a cell. That's fine if all you are going to do is some simple number crunching, but useless if you are going to do anything more than that. And I just can't imagine the day anytime soon when I am going to say, hmmm, rather than start up Excel or 1-2-3 or even VisiCalc, I would like to go to a web site where my spreadsheets won't be accessible without an Internet connection, I can use only a very few features, and the government might subpoena my work at any moment.

This might be a good idea one day, but not now, and not this year, and not next year or the year after. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. Unless, apparently, you're Google.

Jesus why?